Dear President Bradshaw

The president of Florida Gulf Coast University has penned a memo to his constituents concerning the upcoming “Winter Break,” which is the subject of my letter. You can read his short memo here.

Dear President Bradshaw:

It is so reassuring to hear that you are making “no attempt to suppress expression of the holiday spirit” at Florida Gulf Coast University. Nice of you to advise everyone of that up front and avoid any potential misunderstanding from your memo telling people to keep the campus undecorated.

I notice a definite article in that sentence: your use of “the,” which suggests a reference not to just any holiday spirit, but rather a particular holiday spirit. Which one would that be?

You go to great lengths to talk about the “wealth of cultural diversity” and “each other’s traditions” and “individual expression of beliefs.” That is, like, so open minded; but I can’t help thinking that when you address “the holiday spirit” you really mean the holiday that is traditionally celebrated by people on the Florida Gulf Coast. Perhaps you have done some research into local customs and discovered that Floridians and their ancestors have observed this particular holiday since before there were universities.

As you say, these revelers can certainly be vocal and almost surely comprise a majority on the Florida Gulf Coast, but do people there really think this is “the only opinion that is held”? Are your students and the citizens of Florida really so parochial and crass? My, my! They certainly are fortunate to have a university located in their community to bring them news from the outside world.

And how bold of you to appoint a committee to look into this problem! I can’t wait to see their recommendations for how we can become more sensitive. We should all take great comfort in learning – “not only in December, but throughout the year” – of all these other traditions, especially since we soon won’t have any traditions of our own left to enjoy.

With best wishes for a joyful and prosperous whatever,

Fitzroy

Anchoress also comments:

These people prattling on and on, trying to render everything sterile in the name of “sensitivity” and “accuracy” give me a pain in the ass. One wonders – if these practices are so “demeaning” and detrimental to society – how these enlightened folks (who very likely participated in all of these dress-up and decorating rituals at some point in their lives, and did so with excitement and enjoyment) ever managed to break free of the oppressive chains of their childhoods so as to lead the rest of us out of every goofy and affectionate tradition and into the promised land of blandness, where there is no joy, but lots of grave breast-beating and serious reflection.